Talking to God from the Middle of Nowhere

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and You already know that it's a combination of all of these things that have finally led me back to You. No matter how hard I've tried to run away and hide my dreams from You, there is nowhere I can run from Your love. In the end, it is Your voice I hear in the turmoil of my life's storms, and it is Your voice that always draws me home.

Lord, You know my heart. No matter how I rationalize my decisions or sanitize my intentions, You see all that is inside me - even the thoughts that I struggle to hide. You see everything that goes on in my life and in my heart from the perspective of the One who knows me better than I know myself. You have plans for me that are so much more that I can ever imagine.

I am here at a point in my life when there are so many options and nothing is clear. I am tired of going about making these decisions on my own, Lord. I lay all this open before You and invite You to be a part of this time in my life.

I've put off doing this because for the longest time I've thought of You as the "dictatorial God." I'd always thought submitting to "Your will" was an all-or-nothing decision, as absolute as black and white or right or wrong. I never really asked the questions because I was afraid to hear the answers. But now that I have begun asking me these questions, I hear no imperative commands apart from Your invitation to surrender and to open myself to possibilities.

It is hard to surrender my dreams, Lord, even to the One who created them. But that is what You want me to do. You challenge me to trust that You really have a plan for my life that is for my good even if whatever it is far beyond my understanding. You challenge me to surrender my dreams into Your hands and have faith that where You are taking me will never go against the deepest desires of my heart.

At this point in my life, You stand with me at this crossroads and invite me to take this walk with You. You make no promises that it will be a smooth road with no trials or tribulations on the way. But You do make the promise that no matter where it leads me, You will be with me through it all - as You have always been.

Lord, give me the grace to let myself be led by You. And as I let go of my dreams and put them in Your hands, help me embrace the truth that I know in my head but have yet to truly learn in my heart - that You are all I need.

Click here to see the rest of this post.

Frustration

I called the medical clinic where I had my physical exam done this afternoon, just to follow up whether or not they have already sent the results to the embassy. It turns out that the packet is just for pick up today! The earliest that will get to Perth will be middle of next week. How many weeks it will take for the Australian assessing body to come up with a verdict clearing me for a visa is anybody's guess.

This is particularly frustrating because the company promised they'd send the results within two weeks as long as they were unremarkable. I had my physical exam almost 3 weeks ago! Ordinarily I would be cool about this, but a week's delay is a big deal when you're running after a deadline.

The path to my planned trip to Perth has been riddled with so many ups and downs that I'm already exhausted even before I've left. I know I should be positive about the whole thing and believe with conviction that it's going to happen. It's difficult to do so when things go awry just when you think they were beginning to look up.

I really do want to go despite the apprehensions I have about leaving. But this point, I don't know what the outcome will be. It's hard staying in this moment, being still in this period of waiting. It would be easier if the answer were already a clear yes or a clear no - then I could begin making clear plans for the rest of my year, begin thinking of my alternatives.

I think that is part of God's challenge to me right now. To be still and let Him do the work. To be still and wait for Him to reveal the answers in His own time. To live in this moment and trust that in the end He is working for my good.

Even if, after taking my life into perspective, I realize that He has never really let me down before, surrender has always been my pitfall. I like being in control. I like knowing what comes next. I become stressed in uncertainty. And this is what makes this challenge particularly difficult.

But I know that God knows His plans for me better than I do - and I have to hold on to that. There is a chance that things may not turn out as I have planned. If He says no to me on this one, I must trust that He has something better for me instead even if I may not see it right now.

Regardless of the outcomes, I will hold on to His promise:

"We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love Him, whom He has called according to His plan." - Romans 8:28

In the meantime, I struggle to live from day to day in this vacuum, with just enough light for this step I'm on, as I let Him take control.

Click here to see the rest of this post.