Talking to God from the Middle of Nowhere

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and You already know that it's a combination of all of these things that have finally led me back to You. No matter how hard I've tried to run away and hide my dreams from You, there is nowhere I can run from Your love. In the end, it is Your voice I hear in the turmoil of my life's storms, and it is Your voice that always draws me home.

Lord, You know my heart. No matter how I rationalize my decisions or sanitize my intentions, You see all that is inside me - even the thoughts that I struggle to hide. You see everything that goes on in my life and in my heart from the perspective of the One who knows me better than I know myself. You have plans for me that are so much more that I can ever imagine.

I am here at a point in my life when there are so many options and nothing is clear. I am tired of going about making these decisions on my own, Lord. I lay all this open before You and invite You to be a part of this time in my life.

I've put off doing this because for the longest time I've thought of You as the "dictatorial God." I'd always thought submitting to "Your will" was an all-or-nothing decision, as absolute as black and white or right or wrong. I never really asked the questions because I was afraid to hear the answers. But now that I have begun asking me these questions, I hear no imperative commands apart from Your invitation to surrender and to open myself to possibilities.

It is hard to surrender my dreams, Lord, even to the One who created them. But that is what You want me to do. You challenge me to trust that You really have a plan for my life that is for my good even if whatever it is far beyond my understanding. You challenge me to surrender my dreams into Your hands and have faith that where You are taking me will never go against the deepest desires of my heart.

At this point in my life, You stand with me at this crossroads and invite me to take this walk with You. You make no promises that it will be a smooth road with no trials or tribulations on the way. But You do make the promise that no matter where it leads me, You will be with me through it all - as You have always been.

Lord, give me the grace to let myself be led by You. And as I let go of my dreams and put them in Your hands, help me embrace the truth that I know in my head but have yet to truly learn in my heart - that You are all I need.

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The Trouble with Straddling

I had a light-bulb moment today as I was standing in front of the fridge, figuring out what would be a suitable breakfast.

All of you know the constant struggle I have with my weight, and how at this point in my life it's becoming imperative for me to make the switch to a healthy lifestyle. After all, I am not getting any younger and with a family history of hypertension and diabetes to contend with, I really have to start making the right lifestyle choices or face the consequences.

Unfortunately, knowing this in my head has not helped me kick my ass into gear. Despite the potentially dire outcomes of being wishy-washy with my health, I remain stagnant in my state of inertia, still waiting for my one big push to get me moving.

I've been trying to "cut down" and "start sort of exercising" for weeks now, but neither endeavor has taken off the ground. And as I stood in front of the ref, I realized that it's not possible to be "sort of on a diet." It's either you're on it or you're not.

In the same way, it's not possible to be "sort of a renewed Christian." Either you are or you're not.

In both cases, it's a matter of commitment. And in both cases, something that I admit to having a problem with.

One problem with straddling is that it gives one leeway to choose what rules or obligations apply and what don't. Since I'm not really on a diet, it's okay for me to sneak a couple of the chocolate-covered macadamia nuts every day. Since I'm not exactly in "good standing" with God right now, I can forgo the Bible reading program I used to be on.

The other problem with straddling is that because I have "plausible deniability," I can choose not to be accountable for my actions. When people call me to task on my actions or shortcomings, it is easy to brush them off by saying, "I'm not really (insert state here) therefore..." Life just gets easier.

But I do realize that without truly committing to living a healthier lifestyle, or to being a good Christian, I cannot truly grow or reap the benefits of making that commitment. Unless I commit to being a certain way, living a certain way, I cannot come into the fullness of life that is associated with either choice.

It's hard committing to something - it means taking responsibility, being accountable, and drawing on discipline to stay true to my commitment. But I will only forever be stunted if I continue to straddle the fence.

It's a constant struggle to get off the fence and a grace I beg God of - that I may live up to my commitments, whether it's to live a healthy lifestyle and lose weight or, more importantly, to declare that I am a Christian and live as I am supposed to live. Amen.

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